"Orenstein notes that society doesn't often give boys "permission or space" to discuss their interior lives."🌟🕵️♀️
👆👆We've got a problem today👆👆 Masculine development is in flux. The old story of male development doesn't work anymore. It never truly worked because it relied on diminishing women. Now women are claiming their space, rightfully so. They've spent decades creating support groups, professional development organizations and improving educational access for girls. The hard work paid off. Girls have a 62% graduation at public colleges currently. Women earned 53% of advanced degrees in 2018. One healthy way forward is to acknowledge that women have encouraged men to reflect on their stories and journeys and create new paths. This road involves exploring taboos that men have traditionally ignored and dismissed. We live in a world that is essentially alienated from its heart. We are still pillaging and killing our home, the earth. I would call the earth, the divine feminine or our collective Heart. Here's what's possible if we start to create spaces for boys to have feelings, explore them naturally and own them. *Women would get men who hear them and acknowledge them. *Women get men that are both in their ferocious masculine while also connecting to their tender feminine to allow for a profound depth of love *Men get to have deep relationships with each other that involve more than sports and work. *Men feel safe around other men vs. now where men are easily threatened by each other. *Men would be available for their children. *The Homophobia that is deeply woven into the consciousness of masculine identity is replaced with a comfort with a variety of emotional and sexual expressions that are all valid expressions of masculine identity *Powerful male leaders would invest in environmental stewardship because their worth is more than just their job title and income levels. *And so much more I want women to feel safe with men. I want men to have the capacity to relate with warmth towards each other. This is possible when we touch boys to remain heart centered and create spaces for men to heal.
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Single – actively engaged in the world. I’m here, I’m interested, and I’m open Alone – I still want connection but I’m scared and I’m not willing to take big risks. I prefer being comfortable (being safe) rather than experiencing difficult emotions. Why are people stuck in single’s purgatory? When someone is stuck being alone, often they don’t know how to take emotional risks anymore. Especially not deep emotional risks. It’s too easy to hedge your emotional bets and live with an eye towards the next better person or connection or experience. So why invest in the person or people in front of you and have to deal with the emotional challenges that come with building deeper relationships. You can’t have depth without investment. So we’re at a crossroad. With investment you’re saying no to other options. That’s a real challenge for many because the “what if” is so strong. Well you’ll never know what’s down in the depths unless you dive in. When you’re in deep, it takes time to adjust. We can’t rush deep dives either entering or exiting. Both cause distress. This is tough in a world of “I want it NOW.” How do we break out of the habit of “I want it NOW” and develop the muscle of patience. Patience allows for the body/mind/spirit to develop and gradually integrate deeper dives aka deeper connections. When we don’t know how to train the muscle for patience sometimes people express desperation, panic and the urge to settle. The muscle of patience allows us to continue to invest in ourselves and allows us to take risks that ensure we connect with those we want. Even if we don’t connect and we are taking risks, we know this dive is not going to work and we move on. The Value of Rejection Let’s focus on rejection for a moment because rejection is a gift! When you take a risk you give the person you’re connecting with an opportunity to say yes or no. Based on their response you begin to learn things, such as does this person have the emotional intelligence that I’m looking for in a relationship? Is this person as authentic as I am and do they value me as I am? Some people definitely won’t fit with what you are looking for and by taking emotional risks you don’t waste weeks, months, or even years with incompatibility. Rejection is a gift if I am also skillfully reflecting on how some of these rejections unfold. By taking risks and embracing rejection you begin to see patterns in people, instincts begin to sharpen, and you get a better sense of what you want and how you are going to go about getting it. This is in comparison to hedging bets and constantly looking over your shoulder. By doing these things you actually learn how to hide and be alone even while with others. In the process you are more likely to attract people who are also alone and okay with hiding. This is when we end up finding people who want to be alone together which will create serious problems sooner rather than later and greatly diminish joy in connection, life, and intimacy. What to do I feel alone when I don’t trust people to support me and I don’t believe the world will protect me, only I can protect myself. To challenge that belief I place myself in spaces where people are intentionally and authentically acknowledging me. Such as a men’s/women’s group or therapy. Putting myself in places where I will also feel skilled beyond just my professional life. Committing to learning new things that are communal directly challenges “alone”. Prioritize these things, they are important, and then show up consistently.
These are all parallel skills to having healthy and fun relationships – friends, romantic, etc. These skills help you play with relationships in a low stake environment so you can practice. So many go through life working, exhausted at the end of the day and sitting for their post work activity. This is not the way we evolved. Sitting for long periods is actually unnatural for the human body. Sitting is connected with cardiovascular disease and chronic health problems.
So what's getting in the way since most of us already know the benefits of movement? These are the deeper challenges. What's your story about movement? What's your story about physical discomfort? What's your story about lifting weights? Whatever your story is, that's what will fuel your beliefs. Your beliefs fuel your actions and your actions reinforce your stories. It is a cycle. The cycle is not your destiny. You can take ownership over your physical and emotional health. If you don't know how to access your story, try this. 1. Grab a pen and paper 2. Write down "What gets in the way for me being fit is..." Or "I wish I could stay healthy, but..." 3. Look at what you wrote. That's a story you tell yourself. How can you challenge it with compassion for yourself? Have you struggled with loneliness? The truth is that's normal! Here are some smart hacks to address the feeling of loneliness. Feel free to post below with how these went for you.
1. Breathe when you're talking with people. Have you ever tried deep breathing? Try it next time you're talking to someone. Allow yourself to slow down and appreciate their presence. 2. When you're texting, see if you can transition that interaction into a phone call or even better into a real life meeting. If that's hard for you, see what's coming up around asking for what you want. 3. STOP patting people on the back when you hug them. It's disconnecting and generally diminishes your connection. Try to breathe and have a firm embrace and keep breathing. Then when you're both done just let go by giving a slightly firmer squeeze and then releasing. That's a sign that it's over without you fidgeting. 4. Share authentically with people. Tell your friends what's truly on your mind and find people that appreciate your authenticity. 5. Go to a group exercise class. Exercise is a fantastic way to boost your mood. Going to the gym solo can be helpful, but in a social space you can meet people. Try social dancing. It's a built in community. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
January 2020
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